My Top 10 list of things I have learned or wish I knew regarding the loss of a loved one.

10. Not everyone you are close too will find it easy to approach you after you have lost a loved one.

I am still amazed how people you thought were very close to you seem to go silent in a time when you feel the most alone. Even the wisest or most understanding people might find it hard to overlook the absence of acknowledgment from a friend or family member. I can rationalize all day and understand that death and grief is a very emotional, and at times, a foreign subject for many. I can sympathize with not knowing what to say to someone... but I guess I struggle with those who say nothing at all and disappear... I think that can do more damage than help as the person grieving feels as though their loss is doubled and tripled when people suddenly go MIA. At the end of the day I think it is just best to realize that everyone processes grief differently and not everyone feels comfortable bringing up such topics for many reasons. I have had to remind myself this many times.

9. People will place healing expectations on you, tell them to take a hike!

I did not expect people to place time lines on me or my family during our grieving process. Some of the people that have been the closest to us and relied on my family for help, seem irritated our attention could not return to them within a few months. The hard times you go through in life really can weed out the "fair weather' people from those around you. It can be a painful process, but it is a blessing in disguise. Never weep over those that you have to push out of your life or those who walk out of your life. You should feel blessed for those you have left standing by your side. Those are the quality people you need to surround yourself with.

8. Some days you feel like you are on top of the mountain and other days you are at the bottom.

This roller coaster of emotions is completely new to me. It has been 9 months since we lost my father Christmas Night. He died in my mothers arms and I was first on the scene. I feel that if it were not for me having my two precious babies and my husband to look after, I would spend most of my days a blubbering mess. My busy life seems to be a nice break from the emotional processing we go through when we grieve. I think every person does it on their own terms and at their own pace. There are books, and charts, and time lines a therapist will reference, but each of us are wired differently and we all heal differently. Some days I feel perfectly at peace, knowing my father is with our creator and the next day I can be laying my son down to sleep at night and catch a glance of my fathers picture and break down. To me this feels like our grieving is like a bottle of POP or as the non Northerners say, SODA ;) We are the bottle and the carbonated beverage is our emotions. Little bubbles are always rising to the surface but nothing to really cause the bottle to fizz over unless it were shaken. Most days I can handle the little bubbles or memories that float up to the top. They float nice and slow and I can deal with them easily one by one... Until I encounter a trigger. An article of clothing, my mothers tears, a photo, a holiday, a TV show.... That is when my bottle gets shaken up and my emotions tart to fizz and overflow. You can not schedule it. You can not always control it. We are human and with each tear we shed we may get one step closer to healing...

7. It can be hard for others who are healing from the same loss to understand you are not where they are in the process.

When my father passed away, he left behind my mother, my sister and myself. Although we all were present the night he died, we are all on a different step of the healing stairway as we should be. This is easy for me to understand because I am not a competitive person, but some of us are. They are not so much competitive with the rest of us us but more or less them self. I never thought of this dynamic before in regards to grieving until I had to actually tell my mother that this is not a timed race. There is no finish line she has to run too. This is a one woman process with zero expectations and she does not have to be "fixed" in a certain amount of time. We are learning that we need to do what brings us peace for the day. Each day is a new day with it's highs and lows.

6. Not everyone feels the same as you about the people in your life.

It became very evident when my father passed that not everyone had a great father. Not everyone loves their father like I love mine. My dad was one of my best friends and when he passed so fast and unexpected it hit me like a truck and it still hurts as if I were hit by a truck. I have learned another unexpected part of grieving, and that is not everyone can pull off empathy. I have noticed that those close to me that hated their father or never had a father found it hard to understand the strong emotions attached to losing a father. This included my mom. She did not have the best parents, and to be honest they were shitty shitty human beings. I can say this with zero shame as they were very abusive people. This made it hard at first because my mom was so wrapped up in the only feelings she knew and that was the loss of her husband. She looked at giving away his belongings that she had not sentimental value of as a healing and I felt sick to my stomach. We had to learn this the hard way when she told us she wouldn't get rid of anything of our dads without asking us about it first and then went and did the exact opposite. One night I get a call and she was  so happy that she had found a good home for my Dad's Bottle collection. She gave away all of my fathers Jim Beam Bottle Collection. She had ALWAYS hated them. My dad and I always loved them. She saw it as a sign of healing to get rid of something and I felt like she took a knife to my heart and twisted it. I could not breath. I had to get off the phone. She was hurt that I froze up and felt I wasn't being supportive of her. I was hurt because she lied and I felt she was being thoughtless. Once the "me me me" and "I, I, I" left the conversation, we were able to get down to the meat and potatoes of our emotions. She realizied she was only dealing with my fathers loss from her point of view because she has never had a really awesome father. When she lost her dad it was not a big deal because he was so awful. She did not know how it felt so she did not have an idea of how we were feeling. Once we got this out in the open, it did a world of good for us moving forward. The important thing to try and do with any situation in life is to try your absolute best at putting yourself in the other persons shoes when you are trying to feel what they feel. It really opens up a new perspective and can answer many questions without you ever having to even open your mouth.

5. Never take your loved ones for granted.

It is a common thought. Yes it is cliche and it is true. When we are young we feel invincible. We feel like we have so much time ahead of us that nothing we are doing in our youth could ever take that away. That is a load of crap. You can be 15 years old and die tomorrow or you can be 89 years old and die tomorrow. There is not a set amount of promised years on any ones life. I called my parents coming home from my in laws Christmas celebration and told them all about it. They were watching The Sound Of Music because neither of them had seen it. I had suggested they snuggle in on Christmas night and relax and watch it. They were just finishing up the show when we called and we chatted all the way home. My daughter was 2 and singing " Oh Christmas tree Oh Christmas tree!" I was holding the phone over my head so they could hear her. We pulled in the drive way and I said, "OK! Time to get the kids in the house! Love you!" This was 11pm. Less than an hour later, I was sitting on the couch with my daughter after her bath before finally getting her into bed and the phone rang. It was my mom saying that my dad collapsed and the EMT's were trying to get him breathing. Life changes that fast. Kick your grudges to the curb. Call your friends and family even if they never call you. They could be gone right now and you wouldn't even know it. Cherish them. I feel blessed we got to tell him we loved him once last time.

4. You will be haunted by technology.

I have an email inbox full of email jokes my dad loved to send out and I always felt shitty when he would ask me if i got his latest joke. I did get to read them 35% of the time but the fact is I rarely checked my email anymore with the introduction to Face book. All of our family minus my parents seem to have migrated over to Face book. My dad and his work buddies were still old school and would include everyone in on their joke email chain. I have them all still waiting for me in my email and now I am terrified to check my email. I had made a new email to avoid touching them. I will get to it some day, I am just not at that point. I am kinda glad I didn't read all of them as I would have deleted them, at least now I still have them....And I also have a full voicemail inbox. I have yet to go through my voice mails. I can't bring myself to do it. I have thought about asking my husband to listen to them, but I haven't yet. I feel like I want to freeze everything in time that I can at this point. I will tend to them when I can. So yes, these are things I never thought I would have to encounter, but I have and you might too.

3. Honor your loved one in your own way.

Everyone has their own way of honoring their loved ones and not everyone is on the same page as there is now even more ways you can honor them. I have seen amazing tattoos to show love to a family member who has departed. The question of spreading ashes or not spreading ashes. Do we have an open casket or a closed casket? Do you invite everyone you know or just a few people. Do you play their favorite music or keep it traditional? You can even have jewelry made out of your loved ones ashes. Some people prefer to wear some ashes in a small decorative vile around their neck. Do we burn a candle for them at dinner? Do you plant a tree? Do you make a flower garden? Do you donate to an important cause in their name? Do we have an oil painting done of them? There are so many ways we can honor our loved ones and Think the most important thing to remember is to do what feel good to you in your soul. Whenever we do something because "Someone else" is doing it we are not doing it for the right reasons. How I choose to honor my father currently is adding more pictures to my home with him in it so that my babies will never forget their Grandpa. I honor my father by taking good care of my mother. I call her at least once a day so she never has to go a day without talking to someone. She has told me that she really appreciates that. She plans to honor him with a flower box in my yard with a tree in the center ,filled with tulips. I don't think it matters how you honor your loved one but I do feel it is important to honor them as part of the continued healing process.

2. The year following your loss can be the hardest.

Before the passing of my father, I had no idea how much losing a loved one takes a toll on every aspect of your life, especially the holidays. I always saw people state that this "Holiday" is always rough because it was "so and so's" favorite one. I never understood why someone would already be dreading a holiday in the future. It is in the future, why let it wreck your present? Well that is easy to say when you have nothing to base your thoughts or opinions on. My mother is already dreading Christmas, and for good reason. Her husband died in her arms on Christmas night. I would be dreading it too! She has already began brainstorming ways to make it an entirely new and different experience. I am too busy carrying for my family to think past the day I have in front of me. My children have been my saving grace during this dark time. They make me laugh when I feel like I do not have a giggle left inside of me. I guess you can take a page from either one of our books. You can create new traditions, switch up your environment the best you can. She is thinking about leaving her house entirely and diving into my kiddie wonderland to get a double dose of both of our remedies. I know that the closer we get to Christmas it will be hard, but I like to keep peace knowing my dad wouldn't want us to be sad during such a joyful time. I also know that I am so absolutely busy everyday with my family stuff, that I count on being extra busy this year. so busy that I will not have time to be sad. We can only take life one day at a time, so that is my goal.

1. Tragedy can bring out the best AND the worst in people.

One thing that shocked me the most during this entire grieving process is how tragedy really affects people differently and really shows ones true colors. It can highlight the good in those around you. It can heal relationships when people choose to look past any ill feelings to focus on what really matters, and that is love. It can also take a drastic turn and show just how ugly some people really can be. You have heard of family fighting material and monetary wars. Sadly, that is kind of expected. One thing I did not expect is the amount of people who suddenly felt like they were so omnipotent that they could now speak for my deceased father. I kid you not! People that were just acquaintances would have the audacity to say, "Your father wanted me to watch over your mom." "Your father would have wanted "such and such" that way". My aunt, who had been close to the family for decades, started to act as though my father was her husband. She started to tell us that she was going to dress the way he would like her too and wear earrings she thought he would like." She started harassing my mother and trying to dictate what she did from day to day like she was somehow an authority over my mom now that my father was gone? She would tell us that we should be done grieving his passing after 3 months. She even went as far as sending my mother a bouquet of my parents wedding flowers 3 months after he passed marked down to the exact day. She started to call my house searching for my mother if she would not answer her home phone. She started to become very contolling over the entire family. This grew into violent episodes and soon after we chose to cut ties with her. We had to shut her down as a team and extract her from our world. It felt as though we were never allowed to heal in peace. We were always screening our calls and looking over our shoulder. All of a sudden one of my parents friends started telling my mom about not having any money and asking about my fathers life insurance policy. Another family member would comment as if dealing with death was a competition. "They had lost their mother 14 years ago... they have been struggling a lot longer." I honestly started to wonder if there was a large Body Snatching ring taking place as you see in the movies. I mean, there is not having a filter and then there is just being a complete asshole. Some of the stuff I have witnessed this past year just blows my mind. It seemed as though the last things I would ever think of saying to someone going thorough the loss of a father and husband, seemed to come so easily to these individuals. The only advice I can give is to put as much space between them and you. You need to really make some serious boundaries when you are healing.  We bandage our wounds to keep debris out of them so they can heal and I feel the same needs to be done with an emotional healing. We really need to keep the debris of others from getting into our hearts and minds while we are trying to heal. Never feel guilty for taking care of yourself, sometimes you are the only one who will care enough to do it :)

Chaos at the Aquarium and why I hate certain parents! =D

So its been at least a week since my last post and that is mainly due to the fact my husband had taken this past week off for vacation. I was excited to have him home but everyone knows that if you aren't planning on actually leaving to go somewhere your "stay-cation" is never really a vacation! We seemed to have a list of stuff that needed to be fixed or painted or replaced around the house and it is a great time to do it when you have small children as they can not be left alone like older kids ( unless you are a craptastic parent and don't care about their safety).

Our vacation started off a bit slow with every intention to finally get to paint the bathroom and our little girls room, but neither of those are done yet... I had envisioned us recording the 3rd episode of our Invigor8 Radio with Mr. Sky after 4 months off due to his crazy work hours, but NOPE! I have not got my computer back from the doctors.... its been 2 weeks going on 3 weeks! GAH! That means no gaming, no making art for my revamp podcast with my friend/secret co host, no catching up on my flying in Warcraft.... Nothing..... I feel like I'm living in the 80's again minus my growing collection of Garbage Pail Kids Cards >:)

We did get to go to an aquarium in Detroit with the family. It was fun until our son who just turned 2 lost his baby mind and started crying and whipping his head around attempting to club whomever was holding him. Let me tell ya, that HURTS! At one point he was behaving long enough to look into the touch pool where a man was telling everyone about the species in front of us and we were allowed to reach in a feel and hold them. There were little spiny shrimpy looking things and starfish and some other stuff I never go to see because our kids were turning into crazy kids and trying to climb the walls because all of the other kids were acting that way! All of a sudden everyone is being splashed. I had no idea it was MY SON who was the culprit! My husband had his arm around his little waste so he could lean forward and see the water creatures and just when he figured out my husband wasn't paying attention, he lifted his legs up and over the low glass wall and smashed his little feet into the touch pool sending water all over everyone and everything! I asked him what he was doing that allowed baby sun to cause the tidal wave in the touch pool and this was his reply, " I was trying to see if this thing was a real snail." LOL Alrighty then!

This was our first outing were we were in a small area that was swarming with other kids. We did not bring our stroller because I read where the aisles were small in places and it was said to be more of a pain than helpful when you are trying to navigate in and around the crowds of people. HOLY MOTHER OF WHAT!?!? HA! Next time I would prefer that than the hot mess we found ourselves in! At one point I looked over at my poor husband and he had put baby sun on his shoulders thinking that would help contain him, but it did not work. Baby sun was now using my husbands eye holes as little grippers to hold onto his daddy's head ! Mr. Sky was trying to avoid having his eyes gouged out by our son while my daughter is refusing to hold just MY hand. She wanted to hold my hand AND a strangers hand so that she could do this swinging jungle gym move she does with us every night when we are holding hands to pray. It is funny at home with my husband , it is not funny with myself and a STRANGER. So we entered this awesome bubble room where you could then turn and see these jelly fish swimming to the rhythm of the music. I'm sure they were not doing in intentionally, the music had to have been hand picked to match their motions, nonetheless it was awesome. They also had 6 larger buttons on the wall so you could hit one at a time and change the lighting to a different color and baby moon loved this. It was peaceful and quiet and we were just starting enjoy ourselves as it was no longer chaotic and resembling a sauna. I say WAS, as it was short lived! A tornado blew into our area in the form of 2 young boys who had to be around 8 or 9 years old appearing as they had just downed 4 2 liter bottles of Mountain Dew. They run up from behind me and my little girl and start bashing the buttons and while doing so end up bashing my little girls fingers. She pulled her little hand back and went to try to push another button when she saw they had stopped and then they started again. My momma bear side had enough! I deepened my voice and said, "YOU NEED TO APOLOGIZE FOR HITTING MY DAUGHTERS HAND NOW. YOU ARE BEING RUDE AND DISRESPECTFUL. GO TO YOUR MOTHER NOW." Their eyes got wide , they apologized and ran off to their mom. I saw their mother when we had entered. She was the type to just release her crazy kids into a mess of people to misbehave and get into trouble so she could stand 20 feet away and yell at them in a high pitch squeaky voice, the kind that melts your brain. One that they have heard so many times that it falls on deaf ears and they ignore and keep acting up. If you are that kind of mother just know that I hate you, OK? I just wanted to get that out there.

Those type of parents annoy the crap out of me. I see them everywhere we go! Leaning against a tree talking on the phone or sitting in their SUV smoking while they release their kids to cause chaos and hurt other kids at the park. Setting them loose in a store to roam the aisles alone knocking things off of shelves. Shrieking and yelling and adding a touch of chaos to every ones day. I continually have to stop their kids from being little jack-holes around my kids right along with the other parents. We give each other a look, a look that says, " Thank God we are on the same team, I don't think I could fend off these little brats much longer!" I'm not a shy person so it is nothing for me to say something to them or their mom, especially when it is my kids that are their victims. Nothing mean or cruel , just a firm deep voice demanding an apology for their behavior and to tell them to behave or go find their parent(s).

The other part of this that boggles my mind is that they seem to lack any concern for their kids welfare. They are trusting every person in the area to be "good" people instead of shady evil people. They must be the parents who are on the 6 o'clock news proclaiming their 3 year old has gone missing. "I just don't know where Sally could have gone! I last saw her playing in our front yard when I went to go and watch my shows on the TV and 2 hours later she was gone!" Really? Someone needs a brain transplant. I am all for letting your kid have some independence, but not when at the expense of their safety and not when they can not even talk... I always know that these children must have been sent to survive on this planet with a huge army of guardian angels because it is an absolute mystery to me how some kids survive such crappy careless parents.

If I had to play devils advocate, I would have to say that some parents are just more fairytale and live by the thought that nothing bad would ever happen to them. They might subscribe to the thought process that bad things happen to bad people or people on TV or in another city or country but not around them. I am sure a lot has to do with how we were raised, where we live, and our own personal experiences. I have always approached life with a worst case scenario outlook. I like to be prepared for the worst but hope for the best. I treat every stranger as guilty until proven innocent and I always like to practice situational awareness. Even when you watch National Geographic and they are showing a special on how tigers live, they mention that they know to hunt around water because they know that at some point every animal has to drink. They go to where they know their prey goes, the same is true for humans that are predators. They will go to areas where their prey goes. Food for thought!
At the end of they day we can only try to do our best, and although I may think some parents are totally failing in that arena, maybe that is all they can do? Maybe it's how I was raised, maybe it is because I'm a realist, maybe I've watched too much TV, or maybe just maybe I'm doing the best I can do to keep my family safe without resorting to sticking them in a bubble. HA!

Esme Out!

Safety over Happiness!

Good Morning!

I have totally fallen off of the #Blaugust Band Wagon. I had every intention on catching up as I was a week or so behind when it started but the summer boss has kicked my butt and sent me packing but I am still going to go on with my original goal of my blog and post as much as I want to and can.

GAMING!
Sadly, no gaming on my PC :( My computer is still in the "Shop" and I hope to have it back this week because HOLY MOTHER OF PIXELS I miss gaming. I am still enjoying my time in the Mobile MMORPG Taichi Panda which is actually a lot of fun! It has gear, daily treasure digs, lots of awards, solo dungeons, instanced boss fights, guilds, friends lists, events, etc. This is the first time I am really really impressed regarding the quality of a mobile game so far.

LIFE:
We recently celebrated my daughters 3rd birthday ( just a small party for now) and had a Baby shower to attend and will be throwing a joint Birthday celebration for both of our kids to make it more accessible to my husbands large family. My side of the family is very sparse.  We either have all been separated by busy work schedules and grew apart over the past decade or the cool people who were the "family" Glue have long passed away. Sometimes, when I am in my cynical and realist state, I count this as a blessing. After losing my father, I began questioning the importance of having close friendships and close family members as the pain and agony one feels when they pass can be too overwhelming for many. On my darkest days it always seems to be easier to not get close to anyone ever again because it is just easier that way. I tell myself that the because of the pain I felt but then I think how boring  and unrewarding life would be if we were to never find our tribe of like minded people to share the hills and valleys of life with. Lets be honest, that ship has sailed for me anyways! I am a wife and a mom! I have people relying on me so any notion of isolation would never come to fruition because of love, its a messy thing:)  So upon coming to that realization on my grief journey, I put my muck boots back on and prepared for the future knowing that at some point it is going to get messy again and I will make it through just as I do everyday.

PARENTING:

A common phrase that comes out of my mouth is SAFETY OVER HAPPINESS. I say it often to my husband when he is caught between doing what is right and upsetting one of our kids OR taking a gamble at safety to make them happy... The situation normally involves  our daughter not wanting to sit and eat her dinner. She wants to take a bite and run around. When we ask her to stay seated while she is eating, she looks at him and gives him the basic puppy dog eyes. I see him start to think about what he can do to make her happy. He normally then offers her a compromise like, "Well as long as you don't run you can take a bite." He does this because he is what I call, "The New guy". He spends less time at home with the kids because he is our bread winner. He goes out into the world to make as much money as he can and brings it back home to complete our goal in life, which is to not have to put our kids in Daycare. This means that he wants the time he spends at home to be jolly and fun and fantastic in the eyes of his two babies. Now, don't get me wrong! I want that too! I want them to be happy, but I want them to be SAFE first, then happy. I am the parent who stays home with our baby nuggets all day and all night. I know every mood, every sound, every attitude trigger. I can call out their next move before they do it. I am the senior employee here at the Sky household. I like to run a tight ship. I know that my daughter will smile and tell him that she will walk and chew then take a few steps then "POOF!" Baby moon will be on the run right back to where we began.

I like to cut out the messy middle ground and be firm by saying, "NO. You will sit in your big girl chair and eat your dinner like mommy and daddy." OR  sometimes I like to follow his lead and meet in the middle and allow her to finish a few bites then let her go and play then come back and sit down and finish a few more bites. She is only 3 years old and little ones have a very short attention span so when I can get them to safely eat AND eat without a fuss I choose the WIN WIN situation.

Yesterday I responded to a tweet from someone I follow on Twitter that asked our opinion of their coworker who wants to let their 8 year old join Twitter. They were asking if there was a child friendly version of Twitter for them to suggest to their coworker. The first thought that came to my mind was, "The only safe Twitter for an 8 year old to be on is NO TWITTER AT ALL!"  NONE! ZERO! ZILCH! NADA! Their coworkers child is really into Minecraft and one of the people they watch Minecraft videos of wanted their viewers to join twitter from what I understood. I may have interpreted that part wrong but 140 characters on twitter does not allow a full scope of any story to be accurately shared so that is what I came away with.  So basically my reply was, "NO. SAFETY OVER the HAPPINESS of the child." Just because some stranger on the Internet requests their fans to join twitter and your child wants to obey them, YOU ARE THEIR PARENT. YOU! YOU ARE! Not the der da der on the other side of the computer screen. Just because someone requests something of you or your child does not mean you have to comply.  I was thrilled the person I follow put this out on Twitter for us to answer because they felt it was wrong and wanted to get more feedback. The fact is, Twitter is for 17 year olds and up. It says that when you go to download the application from the google play store. It frustrates me how much parents choose the EASY road and the COOL road over the RIGHT road or the SAFE road.Do your homework! If I could go around and smack people on their foreheads like the V8 commercials show, I completely would do it. SAFETY OVER HAPPINESS . Sure, their kid would whine and cry that they can't join twitter but I would choose that any day instead of having some nasty pedophile trying to prey on my 8 year old any day. 

Safety OVER happiness.

In every situation, I still always choose safety OVER happiness. I think a lot of parents struggle with wanting to be LIKED by their kid instead of doing what is right and what is safe. I feel it is our job to protect our children from their self until they exhibit the ability to make responsible safe decisions for their self. My mom always told me growing up that there is a time to let your kids flap their wings and fly a little bit out of the nest and I agree with her, but that takes place in the late teen years and not the toddler years. I know that if my husband struggles with this concept I know a lot of other parents do too. I am trying to get him to see that a few unhappy tears are better then tears that come from injury. I prefer an unhappy kid over one who is choking on food because she was allowed to run and eat.  In my opinion it is always best to remind yourself, SAFETY OVER HAPPINESS because the result of allowing your child to behave in an unsafe manner can only bring despair in the long run. The happiness you think you are giving them by giving in to them is short lived when they are injured or dead.

Parenting is not for the faint of heart, the lazy or "people pleasers". You will get messy. You will feel like you have failed. You will feel exhausted, but you will also feel total amazement and a love like you have never felt. We are in charge of these little lives we have brought into the world and it is our task to do it to the best of our ability. I am very blunt, passionate, and opinionated regarding this topic. I feel that we as parents have a duty to keep our children safe from others and themselves by thoroughly thinking everything through and doing what it is in their best interest opposed to doing what is the easiest.

Time to send my baby nuggets to sleep land!

Enjoy your day and keep doing the best that you can!

Esme out :)

( Also, if you are the praying type of soul, please pray for a family friend of mine named Meagan who has a 50% chance of surviving a gull stone that is wedged near her pancreas. We just found out she had been battling with this gull bladder issue for 2 weeks and it recently took a turn for the worse. I had no idea it could get this bad, she is a mom of 4 small children and a very loving woman. I have faith in the power of prayer and ask that you pray for her if you feel inclined to do so. If you do not I respect that choice as well. Thank you !!!!)

Ranty post : Good morning Facebook, You suck. GET ME MY DAMN COFFEE. #Blaugust17

Today started with a Facebook notification that made me second guess our choice to even be on Facebook. My husband and I share a page as we had only really joined per request of his family years ago. It is actually hilarious to do because we are two totally different type of personalities. He likes to rev people up and pick on them and get a reaction and I just like to do the normal kid pic posting, recipe sharing once or twice a month. He is on there far more than I am as he likes to skim through some of his hunting and fishing pages. Well one of us had shared a post stating it will be illegal for people to smoke in a car with kids that are below 18 years in age starting October 1st in the UK . This is a law I can completely stand behind but sadly I am in the US and such a law doesn't exist yet. Well that did not stop one of my ex smoking uncles from going off on a rant on how our Government doesn't have the right to tell him that. He was quite angry which was surprising since he was a dead beat dad a, didn't live in the UK, and no longer smokes.... His obnoxious statement of "His car his kids!" nestled among some more colorful words just made me shake my head. My first thought was , "Damn.... Mr. Sky posts more offensive stuff than that and we have surprisingly never got such a crazy anger fest from a family member!" God forbid we don't support forcing lung cancer on innocent children! HA! I know, we are complete assholes right?

Of course this did not fly with me. I kindly told him that I did not carry little humans in my belly for 9 months, be in labor for 17 and 21 hours and stare into their precious little faces vowing to always protect them ONLY to turn around and trap them in a cancer car for the rest of their life. I stated that this law wouldn't even have to exist if people cared more about the well being of others MORE THAN their precious addiction. Once I called him on his moral compass or lack there of , he no longer had a reply. Phew. Drilling common sense and respect for others sure takes a lot out of ya when the skull is as thick as his and before I even had my coffee!

This had me thinking WHY THE HELL are we on this cursed Facebook anyway? I know we were pretty much coerced into joining years ago, but so many times I am just ready to hit the delete button. We both have felt this way. We have had the usual drama of the insecure guilt saturated person reading a graphic and assuming it was meant SOLEY for them leading them to go off on you .... We had the Facebook stalking work tramp stealing our photos and texting them to my husband pointing out which ones she like of him. She was doing this to 5 other guys all of a sudden too..... but that is an entirely different story titled "Thirsty Woman can't be trusted." >:) And we have had family members use Facebook to pretend they are an active part of our children's life which is unfortunate. Another part of Facebook that annoys me to no end is that people expect you to log in everyday and keep up with them! I swear! How dare you ask them in person how they have been, Silly fool! You should have been reading their Facebook wall where they clearly stated what they ate for breakfast, how large their last bowel movement was, and that their Boyfriend broke up with them. Seriously!?

I have found myself enjoying Twitter more than I have ever enjoyed our personal Facebook. This might have something to do with having more of a choice of who we choose to interact with instead feeling obligated to interact with. I love interacting with our friend's that no longer live by us or sharing kiddie stories with my fellow Moms. I do not enjoy having family that lives nearby on Facebook. I have often thought about only "friending" people who live a longer distance away but I am sure that would tick off the in laws .... which I wouldnt be opposed too if our kids didnt enjoy them so much...lol  I am sure a Facebook deletion is in our future even though it seems to be the only way families and friends communicate these days which is just sad in my opinion.

I think at some point when something is no longer serving you in a positive way you have to ask yourself, "Does this make me happy?" We need to weigh the pros and cons of a situation and really rely on our inner intuition or gut instinct. So often when we hesitate we already know what we WANT to do but we refrain because of what others will think. 

Either way, I would have woke up happier and respected my uncle more if we weren't on Facebook... but then again is ignorance really bliss?

ANOOK : "Welcome Home Gamer" #Blaugust 15

What a great message to see when you log into www.Anook.com !? I was lucky to have stumbled across this Social Media Website for Gamers. I had entered the #Blaugust contest held by @Belghast and he had made a "Nook" completely designated for us #Blaugust Bloggers. I went to the website with the intent to just snoop around, register and hop into the Blog area that was set up. Well I can say that I was pleasantly surprised to have found ANOOK.com. It allows users to sign in with Facebook, Google plus, or to make a quick account to get started.
I have been building a Blizzard Gaming Guild called Cross Realm Rebellion with a couple friends of mine. It is a safe gaming community on top of an out of game guild intending to unite Blizzard gamers with our battlenet Id's.  I was thrilled when I saw how versatile ANOOK was regarding what I needed to make for our project. Anook is in Beta at the moment, but still allows you to make your personal account on top of also making little "Nooks" to house your blog, your guild, or your clans and in my case the gaming community. There are many more categories available that I could still list. The selling part for me was that you can customize your Nook as well as link your Anook status updates to your Twitter account. This was the absolute kicker for me. The problem with running a gaming group, a gaming community, a blog, and a podcast is the trouble of spending so much time relaying information across various forms of social media. I found that with ANOOK I could make my status from my ANOOK site that would shoot through to my twitter ( because it is an option) then my twitter status shoots trough to my Facebook page so it cuts down on how much I have to visit all of my social media hubs and allows me to interact with friends and fellow gamers across all three avenues. ANOOK also makes it easy to find your friends on Facebook and followers on twitter that have signed up on the site already.

This message has been copied form their ABOUT section:
"Anook enables gamers to learn about the latest games, organize and enhance their gaming life and share their experience with friends and like-minded gamers.

Anook is developed by an international team of dedicated gamers. We share the vision of building a home for all gamers – a stage for the competitive gaming culture and a public information resource for casual gamers.

We are working on Anook for over two years and are 100% self funded. Anook is not owned by a major company and we don't earn any money with this website. We build Anook because we think it needs to exist."

When you go to make your own NOOK on the ANOOK site you can add , a calendar, forums, links, etc. which was great in my opinion! You can add pictures, streams, and you can build a ranking for permissions for those who start to follow your NOOK. You can create forums and lock down certain areas for only members to see. You can add in game characters to your account too! That is one thing I have struggled with for our gaming group, people love the versatility of having a gaming community readily accessible to them as they sign into Facebook. They like the push notifications that come with using the Facebook app but no one really knows who they are talking too out of game versus the character in game as the majority of people use their real life names. I really liked that you can hook characters to your profile to communicate who you are if you choose to sign in with your real name instead of your gamer tag. You can get notifications sent to you via email so you will know if your site is experiencing any activity. 

Another cool part of Anook is that you create your profile and you can create multiple Nooks and also join other Nooks that interest you! I think a site like this will really appeal to people who have used sites like Guildlaunch and Enjin for their guilds but struggle with getting people to participate. That is a problem I face everyday is that we are spread around so many places because of varying interests.You also get to attach games you enjoy to your profile and to your Nook.

The fact that ANOOK is already full of gamers reminds me of a city of gamers. Then when you make your profile you are "Moving In". Then when you build your Nook, you are building your house on a street that is populating at a fast rate. You are connected to everyone outside of our Nook and in them too. That is the part I really enjoy. When you use a site like Guild Launch , there is not a place to mingle and meet other gamers.

Some things I would like to see available are a mobile app, more customization for nooks outside of the Header. An Application Process to have people use to apply to your Nook. Those would be my top 3 additions if I were to suggest any but I am sure they are very common suggestions and have already been added to their to do list!
So essentially you can make your profile, house your blog, house your stream, house your guild/clan/community, etc all from one site. /Mind Blown!

JUST TO BE CLEAR I chose to highlight this bad ass site on my own because I see how this can totally be a game changer for those of us who wear many hats in the gaming community. The devs are on twitter and they are very friendly. It is still in development and they have a forum set up to take any suggestions you have for them. They are paying for this site out of their own pockets and they are gamers too. I encourage you to give ANOOK a Look!

If you would like to check them out for yourself head to ANOOK.com you can meet them on twitter @AnookDotCom and like them on Facebook!

If you would like to Follow my Nooks join me here! Cross Realm Rebellion  , The Dirty Casuals Gaming Group, Blizzard Blip Cast . I would love to see more of us gamers filling the ranks and to see some familiar faces!

A "Pet Peeve" Post "Less Criticizing, more creating! #Blaugust #16

Having spent almost 3 years on twitter as well as in podcasting, you get to see a lot of behavioral patterns ( as well as participate in some of your own, ha!)   One of my pet peeves would have to be when I see talented and great people who could very well write their own blog, record their own show or produce their own stream nit pick the work of others. They could bust out some great stuff if they were to spend more time on creating something of their own. I do not say this in a rude or snarky way, I mean this in a very honest way. I see their talent. I see their opinions on subjects they feel passionate about. I see them get frustrated with how things are not done their way or said how they would have said it. That shows me that they have passion in the topic but they may lack the confidence to create it. They reach out to their favorite hosts, bloggers, podcasters, streamers, and youtubers showing support or to correct them. I see the desire is there because they tweet about disliking "so and so's" show or saying that an article totally missed the mark, or the stream was incredibly boring. After critiquing others, they never make anything to call their own. That is why my desire for them to create is double sided.

On one side I want them to be humbled by the experience. It has always been annoying to me when someone criticizes something or someone but has zero experience doing what they are judging. It also makes me scratch my head when people assume that content creators care whether or not you partake of their product. Most of us do it as a hobby. We do not get paid for downloads, subscribers, or reviews. If people listen or they don't, it really isn't any skin off of our back. The amount of time it takes to edit, pick out music, trim and cut tracks, make show notes, make headers and avatars, keep up on news, find guests, etc. can add up.I can not speak for other avenues of creation, but I am sure it takes a lot of preparation and time dedicated to final touches, especially where youtubers come in to play. It is all part of the process of taking our free time to mold and create something about something that we love (and some hate) and if any criticism is to be made, do everyone a favor and make it constructive. 

On the one side, I want them to see that they could be incredible at it. ANYONE can do it  you know... It is not a secret club of people. You do not have to wait to receive an invitation. Give yourself a voice! TAKE THE PLUNGE! All of us started somewhere. For me, I normally try to make a show that I would listen too and that fits into my life style. I record during nap times and when my husband works over as I do not want to wake anyone up. This restricts me from having guests or being a guest. When you are thinking of starting a project of your own, make sure that it is something you really love. Make sure that you have the time to do it. Make sure that you can keep up with the demands. Give yourself some wiggle room! You don't want to be so strict with the topic of your creation to the point that if your tastes change you reformat under the same show. I also recommend that you be kind to yourself during the process if you choose to start something of your own. The worst thing you can do to yourself is compare your work to that of other content creators. Everyone has their own talents, tastes, budget, and personality. Over time you will find your Niche and your audience. Spend your energy improving your product instead of being green with envy and poisoned by jealousy. I have seen this destroy confidence, friendships, and fun. Avoid trying to mimic others , be true to yourself and get your ass out of your comfort zone!

It might feel weird at first. You will feel uncomfortable, but you will start to feel stronger each time you do. This is your life, what are you really waiting for? No really! If you spent half of the amount of time you spent lifting up others, trying to get noticed by your idols, or criticizing others, you'd see you have a lot to share and you have been going about it all wrong. 

Give yourself a chance would ya? Yeah, sure, you will no doubt cross paths with people just like you who will feel the need to give you their two cents, and that is OK! Inspire them to leave their comfy little shell of fear a judgment too! You do not have to thrust yourself out in the limelight. You do not have to advertise yourself if you don't want too. Just throw your content out into the ocean like the rest of us do. It really is just like that. We create something, toss it in a "bottle" of sorts, then toss it out into the nether. Sometimes we get a message back and sometimes we don't, but either way we keep creating because it brngs us joy.

I do realize that not everyone who is critical has a desire to produce anything, but they deliver their message differently. They are respectful and discreet. They do not treat the content as though they had purchased a defective product that needs immediate attention. In most cases the content is 100% FREE and your are not being forced to consume it. In most cases consumers understand that their ride to work would be incredibly boring without the voices of their favorite podcast in their ear. Their business meeting would drag on without their favorite blogger to help them pass the time.

If you are more of a "support beam" type of personality, that is amazing too. Anyone who makes anything for others to consume needs to be surrounded by supportive people! You are greatly needed in all avenues of creation whether it be food, art, clothes, crafts, audio, visual, or even something text based. Supportive people are very beneficial and appreciated by anyone that wishes to have a great foundation on various platforms in life. The difference between being a critical jack-hole and a supportive person is that one genuinely loves to help out behind the scenes and the other type of person is too chicken to make something of their own. That's my opinion of course ;) No matter what side of the coin you reside on, I know you have something itching to be created. Please, just stick your toes in, at least just do it long enough to get a taste if you think it is for you!

You don't to have the best equipment or an inside track. You don't have to worry about losing when there are no winners! You do not have to be perfect. You do not have to be a wizard in the field. You do not have to be well known or an Internet celebrity, you just have to be you! So, get off your butt and make something more fulfilling than what you have been cooking lately, which probably is nothing! ;D 

There are a lot of resources available to you on the Internet regarding what you can use to get started on which avenue you desire. Since I podcast I will only speak on that aspect. 

I use audacity to record and edit my show. When I had guests on I would use Skype to interview and Call Graph to record the conversation. I currently use Podbean because of its ease of use as I am entirely incompetent when it comes to messing around with coding etc. There are a lot of different options you can check out too, like Sound Cloud or Libsyn to name a couple. 

Blogger and Wordpress are the two main blogging sites that I have used, but there are so so many options when it comes to blogging that you can feel out what set up would work best for you. 

In closing, realize that there is a difference between having an opinion that you keep to yourself and publicly shaming a content creator because you lack the talent or motivation to create something to call your own. What are you really waiting for? Take the first step and brainstorm then dive in! If you are waiting for an invite, this is it! 

Esme out!

Fried Computer, dragonfly rapists, and Taichi Pandas!

OK! It has been a few days since I have got to take some time to blog!
I ran LFR with my friend Jay and her hubster this past Tuesday  (in Warcraft) and when I logged out my hard drive took a crash so now we are in the process of fixing it.  I am lucky enough to have a mini keyboard that hooks up to my tablet so that I can still get on the internet! :)

LIFE:
August 11th, 2015
So! Today started off great! It was a cinnamon vanilla pancake and coffee morning! The weather has been tolerable so we have been trying to get the babes outside to soak up some fresh air and sun . We have had a horrible mosquito infestation this year and it feels like we have to base our life around flying zombies. One of us usually has to sacrifice their warm fleshy body to the mini blood suckers as a diversion so the other parent can load the kids in the van when we head out . It is a crazy sight  I am sure. I normally choose to run around  breathing heavy because they are attracted to carbon dioxide, heat, and some other chemicals we breath out, so running is the perfect thing to do !
Thank goodness trees block us from our neighbors view!

So today we avoided the damn mosquitoes and communed with the dragonflies. Mr. Sky loves chasing them around until they are too tired to fly and then picking them up for our daughter to hold. They just rest on her finger until they get up enough energy to fly off. I used to think this was cute until I refreshed myself on Dragonflies! HA! They are murdering rapists according to a site I found! Crazy! I went searching for more info on dragonflies today when Mr. Sky could feel one he was holding bite him. It did not hurt at all, but he wondered if they all did that as he had never felt it before. So to google I went and vuala! Murdering Rapists.

"They're Rapists

Most animal species go through some sort of courting routine before they mate; dragonflies don’t have that much time—there’s food that needs eating. So they forcefully mate with the first female they come across, and we mean forcefully. A male will first locate a female by he flight patterns to make sure she’s the right species. Then he approaches from behind, clamps his forearms around her neck—sometimes with a vicious bite to subdue her—and signals his body to begin transferring sperm to the right place. See, male dragonflies store sperm in a segment at the end of their bodies, even though their penises are higher up. So once he’s in position, the male will start the semen transfer."
(Photo and information source: Andrew Handley - listverse.com)

I know! But the good thing is they eat mosquitoes, the nemesis of my summer.... If you want to see the 10 brutal facts about dragon flies, check it out here! So yeah, we spent the day unknowingly hanging out with some of mother natures most sketchy of insect characters....well I guess dragonflies have more in common with humans than what I had originally thought? 

GAMING

So as I stated up above, I am WITHOUT my precious computer! That means NO Warcraft. No heroes of the Storm. No GuildWars2... I immediately went to my phone to see what I could play in the absence of my beloved MMO's and I found a mobile MMORPG called Taichi Panda. it is toted as a Dungeon Crawler Hack and Slash. You get to pick from 5 diffeent characters; A Taichi Panda, A Glorious Warrior, a Treasure Hunter, a Gunslinger, and A Fox Mage. I chose the Fox Mage. I chose her because I wanted a ranged class that was a female. There is a Gunslinger character but it is a male. I wanted to play a female toon as my first character. You can not pick any customizations, you are stuck with the skin that you are given, atleast from the start. The Fox mage has some really awesome talents and talent graphics. One of them is a tornado that sucks up your enemies and swirls them around. I am currently level 7. You do the tutorial till you are level 6 and then you get a little more freedom to do stuff while still getting helpful prompts. So far I have been really impressed by the graphics, the ease of controlling my character and all of the options. You control your toon with your finger on the touch screen of your device. A little joy stick appears and then you get to begin controlling your toon. On the right bottom corner of your screen are the attacks for your character. I have been doing solo questing so far. They are like a mini instance where you kill mobs leading up to a boss fight at the end. Each event I have done has rewarded me with gold and gear. A nice touch at the end of completing the run is where you are shown three playing cards face down that can award you additional gold or gear. I am tryng to level to level 20 so I can join a guild and see how that is in game. So far though, for being mobile? It is really bad ass!
If you decide to give the game a try, let me kow! I am EsmeraldaSky in game =D

Well thats it for now!

Good night!

Esme out!

Evening Entry: One Azerothians old Content is another Azerothians Stranglethorn Sunset! Blaugust Entry #8

Welcome Muffett and Tuffette to Azeroth!

After several days of trying to match our schedules , my mother and I finally had the opportunity to log in together for the first time and create new characters in World of Warcraft together! She has been playing her baby hunter on Borean Tundra on her own but we still wanted to have some characters to play together when time allows. It also makes it easier for her to learn when someone is walking her through stuff.

We had a bit of a rough start because she misplaced her password and didn't know there was a box asking if it was "OK for Blizzard to make changes to her computer" for the patch updates.  LOL! It took about an hour of troubleshooting over the phone until I finally figured out why her battlenet launcher kept saying, " Initializing" .  I did not realize how many things come first nature for me in regards to the entire process of playing world of Warcraft. There are a lot of things I take for granted! You do not realize how much of the game is "trial and error" and research based until you are trying to teach someone who has never played Warcraft, an MMORPG or even a video game in the last 30 years. The last game my mom had played was Frogger on my parents Atari and a very brief stint of Super Mario Brothers that ended after running Mario into the first gap in the ground and dieing OVER AND OVER ! She did it at least 15 times in a row and made my sister and I want to pee ourselves so very badly! Now, after years of hearing me talk about it on my podcast, at family gatherings, and with friends, she decided to give World Of Warcraft whirl. ! Ha! It was hilarious to say the least and I was truly happy and humbled to be joined by her in game. She knows I have played for 8 years, but I don't think she every knew why, until the other night...

We are Role playing as little Gnome Sisters on an RP Server

and

We are rolling WARRIORS! RAWR!

I think one of the things that brought her the most laughs was the ability to emote! The first thing I did to her in game was run up and do the /chicken. Here is a handy list of emotes you can do in Warcraft if you want to broaden your emote abilities!

 She got a huge kick out of the /dance emote because lets be honest, these new gnome models are totally adorable and even more so when they are dancing. It felt really good to hear her laugh the way she did . It had been quite a while since she got to really get a chuckle out of something. Everyday is rough for us as we make our way through the fog and different stages of emotions that grieving brings. There is something about being able to touch in with your child like side that completely outshines any darkness the adult world can bring you. I think that is what gaming offers many of us. That opportunity to fly in a world where we are without wings. It is a world where you can stand side by side with others just like you to conquer horrendous beasts instead of lowering your head as you walk past the bullies of life hoping to go unnoticed. It allows people to climb mountains when life has them feeling like they can't even climb out of bed. It allows shy people to flex their voice and it allows followers to become leaders. It allows you to sneak in a laugh or two in between the tears, and that is why I am so happy to introduce my mom to gaming and to World of Warcraft. 

I think that this popular cliche often gets overlooked.

During the last couple, days following the World of Warcraft Expansion Reveal, and todays "Live Warcraft Q&A" from Gamescom, there has been quite a debate once again on social media.  There has also been a lot of excitement and joy, and for that I am pleased! I have never understood why people think that berating, threatening, and attacking others will ensure that they get their way and that their voice will be heard and respected. I find myself feeling like I am in the middle of two very different reactions for the same game. I look to my left and see the absolute amazement for Azeroth through my mothers reactions to this new and fantastic world. I actually feel quite proud of my home away from home as I take her on a tour of the place. THEN I look to my right... I see people who seem to spend more time out of Azeroth dissecting, scrutinizing, and complaining about the game and its developers, than actually playing the game. 

I seem to see and hear, "EVERYONE FEELS THIS WAY! WHY ARE THEY NOT LISTENING!?" regarding game development and game developers. I can assure you that not everyone feels the same about anything in this world, pixel based or not. One woman's/man's trash is really another woman's/man's treasure. The same game someone is spending the majority of their free time scrutinizing is another persons escape, paradise, and source of complete entertainment!

Everyone needs to call it a night in Warcraft, so I showed her how to tuck her little Gnome in bed!

The night ended with the famous words, " ITS ALREADY GOING ON 1 am!?"

I assured her that this wouldn't be the first time.

I bet my mom never thought she would be staying up late and "Warcraf-ting" with her daughter as much as I never thought I would be "Warcraft-ing" with my mom!

Well that is all the time I have for today's post as my babes will be waking up from their nap soon!

My final thoughts on the matter I put into a graphic :)

Esme out!

Afternoon Entry: A bit on the personal side...Life,Gaming, and How I have been changed by change. BLAUGUST #7

I posted this graphic on Twitter earlier today and I had no idea that it had stirred some thoughts within myself. The below entry gets a bit deeper and raw than I had anticipated, but that's OK.

Afternoon Entry:
Gaming-life-stuff
I am just going to jump into yacking about gaming today as I don't know how much time I have left on my "Mommy Free Time watch" :) AKA the babies are sleeping! So I was thinking today about my love and hate for gaming. It is definitely a double edged sword. At-least for me it is. I am a mother, I am a wife. I have "real world-ish" duties that I put before any hobby of mine as I believe any decent parent and person should do. Well they should do that if they wish to maintain a healthy marriage and not regret missing out on some of the treasures our little ones share with us everyday. We really can not get those moments back. Do I want to look back at my kids young years and think about how many battlegrounds I won in a row or how my babies eyes gleam when they are happy and bouncing around and singing? I think you know I would choose the second option hands down. The double edged sword is not me having to choose my family over my gaming, no not at all, that is honestly not even a choice! It is a decision I made when I gave birth to my little ones. The minute I became a mom I signed a life long contract to put them first always and forever and it is a joy to do that and I feel that joy in every cell of my being.

The hard part I have found is finding that same joy in your hobby that is also the same hobby as millions of other people! You enjoy gaming and people are "OK", so you dive into the gaming pool, but once you are in there you realize you have to swim around with EVERYONE. You have to find the part of the pool where your "people" are. Yeah, you came to swim there on your own free will but damn...who knew it was going to be so draining at times!? HA! I mean, sure! You don't have to talk to anyone if you don't want too! You don't have to visit forums or be on social media to be a gamer, but then how will you know what is going on with your game or your class? I would still be a hunter wearing cloth and rocking out spirit gear in Warcraft if I never talked to another player the entire time I was logged in or never visited a forum or learned something from a you tube channel! The hard part is swimming around and finding people like you when you are surrounded by competitive people , crap talking trolls, people with endless amounts of time to mid max every aspect of the game..... I mean really. It can be such a chore!

I didn't realize how draining it can be as much as I have the past 7 months. When my father past in December of 2014.... I changed. I had spent my life up until that point with my guard up. On my defense. A witty comment ready to fly at the next asshole who wanted to fight with me. Part of this is just who I am, a constant supporter, representative, and defender of the under dog! Part of this is due to many years of trusting the wrong people, working in toxic environments, surrounded by prejudice.... you name it. It all started to add up. When I became a mom, my guards were raised even higher. I knew that I was now the protector of two more souls and no longer just looking out for my own safety.

When I lost my father, I started to look at the world differently. It is fleeting. People die every second of everyday. I had never experienced this type of a loss before. Watching someone you love with all of your heart die right in front of you changes you. Knowing that the forehead you are kissing as you say your last goodbyes is really YOUR LAST goodbye, shifts something inside of you, or at-least it did in me. It froze time. It made me whip out a very large magnifying glass and examine everything. Even how I viewed how I was using my time. The past no longer exists. The future is not here. The only thing that matters is this moment, right now. Am I happy in this moment right now? Am I safe in this moment right now? Is everyone I'm caring for happy and safe right now?

I had to start asking myself these things because I had developed some freakish thing called Anxiety. I say freakish because I had never felt this way before. The severe nausea, shortness of breath, emotionally shutting down and feeling detached... NONE of this had I ever experienced before. I had heard of it, but I had never felt it. Until now. Until I started gaming again. I came back to play Warcraft after being on a hiatus and the minute I get in our team-speak there is Guild Merging discussions, and decisions and confrontations. I wanted NO PART OF IT. I found myself being cornered and I no longer could breath. I literally was at a loss for words. I could not muster the the energy to reach for my handy dandy "Bitch Switch" that I have always relied on. I felt caught off guard and did not understand how to process the negativity. I knew one thing though, I had just came back to play a game and to ENJOY MYSELF. The old Esme would have easily put ass-hats in their place, and I know deep down that person is still in me, but the care to do so is not. That is the unfortunate part of Gaming with others in my opinion. We bring our real world baggage into game along with everyone else. We don't always know what someone is dealing with. Some just care about progression, "pissing contests" and who's transmog is the best. Someone else just feels blessed to have made it through another day. We are indeed stuck taking turns on both sides of the coin when we share a hobby that involves other humans.

When I say I have changed I really mean it. I went from a person who cried twice a year to someone who is touched by the most intricate parts of life and also someone who had become hyper sensitive. The Old Esme who could pile a load of life's shit on her shoulders no longer wanted too. This made me look at gaming differently. I really do not have to game with competitive shit talking people if I don't want too. I don't have to be belittled because I am a girl, I do not have to watch people force their views and values on others. I am a mom and like to game. I don't need to apologize for logging in AFTER my kids go to bed because those are the personal moral values I have.I don't have to make excuses for why I have not raided on a raid team ONE DAY IN MY LIFE because it never interested me and never fit into MY life.

I have never ever ever been a competitive person and that has always been the rough part about gaming because it brings out the worst in people who are competitive. They no longer can game for fun, they grow into some sort of green eyed monster who loses sight of why they started gaming in the first place. They start comparing themselves against the best of the best and they kick themselves when they don't compare. They turn on their friends and start micro managing them and their performance because they feel so poorly about their own. They think the amount of fake things in a fake world they have accumulated means they are somehow superior to others but with a quick pull of a plug honey all that GOES AWAY. That is life and that is change and that is inevitable.

Change will happen through your life. You can not get around it. Nothing stays the same. What you value now? What you think your life revolves around now? Yeah that will change too and the tricky thing about change is that you don't always get to call the shots. Sometimes it just happens to you. Sometimes it is a little dose of change, sometimes it is so huge that it totally rearranges who you are as a person and you come out feeling a better sense of what matters and how you treat others through the grand scheme of things matters more then being better than them. Sometimes it does not change you on the first trip around but after 12 more rounds of change? Yeah, you're going to start feeling the shift. Mark my words, you will always be touched by change. You can either decide to make the best of it or be a victim of it. You can choose to adjust to the change and grow or you can sit down and attempt to escape it. Change happens in and out of game and it will affect how you play no matter what world you are playing in. The best thing I can suggest is to do your best at being true to yourself and roll with it.

Whoa.

Well. I had no intent to spill this much, but it is a diary type blog, so there it is...My entry for the day. Time to get lunch going as my babies are to be rising soon =D
Take care <3
Esme out!

Afternoon Entry: Excited! Snorefest...Excited! Warcraft Exp Announcement Blaugust #6

Ok, So I made my celebratory breakfast this morning consisting of biscuits and gravy and a big mug of coffee. I informed Mr. Sky that I will be loading the dishwasher, busting out breakfast but then I am going to be selfish and make time to do what I have been looking forward too and that meant WATCH THE EXPANSION ANNOUNCEMENT for World Of Warcraft from Gamescon 2015
Well just as Murphys law states "If it can go wrong it will!".

 I had the stream set up to watch on my tablet so I could be dazzled while eating breakfast but then I thought NO ! Bigger and Better! So I opened up You tube on the Big TV in the living room hoping that it would be an AMAZING show for the family to join in on! So then I went to open up my phone to cast the screen to my TV and it was totally frozen! Then I thought Phew! I have my tablet streaming in the kitchen, I'll be fine if my living room TV plan doesn't pan out! Just then My Sky walks into the living room and holds my tablet up and says," It is starting!" He is not very tech savvy and I just knew that his big man thumbs would tap the screen and close it all down and I will be left with NOTHING. I froze into place and said very slowly ," P L E A S E...SET ...IT.........DOWN.......CAREFULLY......" Like it was a damn grenade missing the pin or something! He looked at me and started laughing. He obviously did not grasp how serious I was about making this MY TIME after all I very rarely make a stance and demand anytime because I do all of my non mommy stuff while everyone is sleeping. I finally got the you tube to stream the Gamescon 2015 reveal on my big TV and we all settled down to watch it and I WAS PUMPED!!!!!!!! The expansion trailer grabbed my husbands attention and my little moons attention right away. She fell in live with the "Pretty Orc" the moment she saw Guldan lol  We had bought them some Orc toys to play with the other day that are for her age and she immediately went to go and find him and thought he was behind the Entertainment stand and went to pull it away from the wall almost unplugging the tv chord from the wall. I leaped up from the couch once again to stop my precious stream from being shut off and that once again set my husband laughing in hysterics. I said, " I don't think you understand that this is some very important STUFF!" LOLOLOL He then starts to ramble about not getting to go fishing as much as he used to because of work and I quickly told him to suck it up and get a real hobby that is not victim to the weather, GAMING!
SO now I am tucked away in my bedroom with my headphones on fully prepared for a meteor to shooot down from space and smash my computer to keep me from watching this damn expansion reveal I have had to pause and re watch now a GAZILLION times......

 So FINALLY After I had to pretty much extract myself in a selfish and

AND HOLY CRAP!!!!!

World Of Warcraft Legion

 and 

HOLY CRAP! SNORE-FEST!!!!!

Before I had went to hide away and watch the stream in my room, my husband and I were watching the first speaker, Who I can honestly only say, is Alex "Blah Blah Blah" as my stream lagged and even the you tube stream jumps when his last name is mentioned. That oddly seems kind of fitting because sweet baby Thrall.... this guy put us to sleep! I kept fighting off the feeling that I was back in high school listening to some boring teacher ramble on and on. I really felt like they dropped the ball here. :( Is it just me or did Alex have an extra earpiece compared to what Ion Hazzikostas  had? I told Mr. Sky it looked like he was listening to someone say something in his ear then he would relay it. The delivery came out flat, slow, and lacking passion and excitement. It could easily be argued that this may have been his first time public speaking , maybe he was just nervous, but that does not explain why he was chosen to deliver the most anticipated message about Warcraft all year. It was quite painful to watch and listen too . You would think that who over was chosen to deliver the expansion news would be just as pumped up and geeked out as we are but Alex did not look or sound excited lol Not one bit. He walked around the stage staring toward the floor and attempting to crack little jokes here and there. I feel they really really needed to have someone drop this expansion news that had the same excitement for it as the crowd had and as we do. I think they should have had Ion or Chris Metzen drop the news then have Alex step in. I feel they really needed to deliver the news with such an overload of passion, excitement, and energy . So fired up that the crowd would rawr so loudly that they would have to pause to wait for the sounds to die down to talk again, but a lack luster delivery leads to a lack luster crowd response. 

When Ion got up to speak you could totally feel his passion. He talked fluidly and with first hand knowledge. You could get the impression quickly that he knew what he was talking about and had all the answer ready to flow from his mouth to our ears like he usually does . I told Mr. Sky that this Ion dude has this weird confident hypnotic voice that just seems to make you smile and nod as he explains things. 

So once I got over the obvious wet noodle of an introduction, I found myself really looking forward to what's in store.

Here is the Official Legion Website for your to check out!

I am honestly more geeked out about this expansion and all they are "Promising" us so far. I know everything is subject to change, but I am thrilled to be able to rock out a Demon Hunter, 

To explore the Broken Isles, 

AND HELL YEAH TO HONOR SYSTEM VERSION 3

A Pvp Talent Tree System

Are us PVP loving players finally seeing some love!?

I truly truly hope so!!!!!

 There is sooo much to go over and comb through to give an honest effort so that will be for future posts. I succeeded in at-least getting to watch the stream and soak in all of the awesome aspects of the new expansion. It really felt like Christmas all over again and for us Adults, the butterflies of excitement comes very far and few the older we get, so we have to enjoy our childlike excitement when we can get it, and I am EXCITED!

Well, My mother duties are kicking in! Time to his the road and head to the park. 

OH! And thank god we don't have to go around for months referring to the new expansion with some form of crazy initials like the past expansions of MOP and WOD! It is soooo nice to just say 

LEGION!!!

Esme out!